GULLIVER.CC

I've noticed you've never bothered to tell the story of my final battle with Professor Moriarty. And I've noticed our stalwart London newspapers never ran my obituary.

Through no fault of mine. You should know I spent many a day campaigning for your demise to be given the proper attention. But always the answer came back, "When you present us with a body, Dr. Watson, we will pronounce the poor fellow dead." Until that time you were considered merely missing.

Rubbish. You said there was general mourning throughout the city.

Oh, there were many who grieved, certainly. In the spring of 1891 I could not walk a mile in the heart of the city without meeting someone wearing a black armband, eager to give me his condolences.

Well, that is gratifying at least.

But not official. And I must say, there were many more who had not heard of your passing, and when they did ...

Yes?

Surely you must know that throughout your career you have left a trail of admirers behind you wherever you went. Admirers -- but not friends.

And what of it? There are precious few human beings whose company I do not find positively loathsome. I have never made any attempt to conceal that fact.

My point exactly.

I am compelled to agree with the great satirist Jonathan Swift, who observed that mankind is "the most pernicious race of little odious vermin that Nature ever suffered to crawl upon the surface of the earth." It was not my business to make friends with people I dislike. It was my business to solve their idiotic problems for them. It was my business to stanch the rising tide of criminal activity in a city to which the refuse of society seem drawn as carrion crows to a rotting carcass.

I'm sure you are aware, then, that criminal activity in London is a good deal worse than three years ago.

And I am somehow to blame for this?

You did say your reason for pretending to be dead was so the criminal underworld would grow careless, allowing their easy capture by the police.

You should not be surprised that our police have bungled yet another opportunity --

But if you had no confidence in the police, how could you believe there was a purpose to be served in --

Watson, must we continue on this tiresome subject? I grow immensely weary of this -- and indeed of everything else.

Aftereffect of the cocaine.

I am well aware of the aftereffects of cocaine.

I was merely reminding you that I warned you earlier.

Yes, your thoughtfulness is appreciated. Now for God's sake, let's change the subject. Why don't you read me one of the poems you bragged about earlier.

I wasn't boasting, I was responding to --

Oh, never apologize for your own work, Watson, not if you are to shine as an artist. There is little enough solace in creativity without having to be sorry for what one does. I have been able to reconcile much of my work with my conscience only because I have ignored the consequences of some of my actions. It has always been this way with intelligent, creative people, and will always be the same. This is why I resolved, long ago, never to apologize for anything. Nothing is worse than having to be sorry about one's work. Nothing!

That's a very cynical attitude, Holmes.

It is a fact. I can see that the Creator Himself must have surely been in a black mood when He looked down upon the wicked people of Noah's time and was forced to repent that He had created them at all.

I have noticed an alarming habit you have of comparing yourself with the Almighty. I have often wondered about that. I think it betrays some aspect of your character.

Don't be vulgar, Watson. The comparison is by no means absolute.

And I was waiting for you to refer to the last three years or so as your death, burial, and resurrection.

That is not the sort of comment I would have thought worthy of you. Really!

Oh, I was only --

I was not inviting a debate, Watson. Please read your poem, or whatever it was. Anything at all, Watson, we simply cannot allow the mood of this festive evening to slip.

I have the perfect piece to read. I wrote it about three years ago.

Ah. Before ... or after ... ?

After. Immediately after.