WOMAN FROM PLANET ZERO
a short sci-fi play by Lee Shackleford
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McElroy squints through his scanner-scope at the approaching planet.
MCELROY
Captain! The planet, sir -- it's -- it’s too big to be Mercury!
DRAKE
You're right, Lieutenant. We've found a new planet -- previously undiscovered by science.
MCELROY
Planet Number Ten -- how about that!
DRAKE
Well, now, wait a minute. You're counting outward from the sun. We've been traveling inward -- TOWARD the sun. Remember we left Earth -- the third planet -- passed Venus and Mercury -- the second and first planets -- we’d have to call this ... Planet Zero!
MCELROY
(awestruck)
Planet Zero...
McElroy looks back to his scope.
MCELROY
Hey! Captain! Some kind of missile! Coming up from the planet surface!
DRAKE
Incredible! There must be some kind of life down there -- a whole civilization! What’s the missile’s course?
MCELROY
It’s headed right for us!
DRAKE
They must think we’re invading their world.
Drake grabs the big microphone.
DRAKE
This is Captain Mitchell Drake of the United States Air Force Space Cruiser “Arrogance.” We are here on a mission of peace -- on direct order of our leader, President Dwight David Eisenhower. Do you understand?
A terrible silence.
DRAKE
(to McElroy)
All right -- we offered them the open hand of peace. McElroy -- load the atomic torpedoes.
MCELROY
The missiles, sir? Just like that?
DRAKE
Don’t you see? If we don’t act aggressively they may take it as sign of weakness. Now prepare two fifty-megaton missiles.
MCELROY
That ... that thing’s getting mighty close for us to be using atom weapons, Cap’n.
DRAKE
Oh, an atomic shock wave won’t hurt this ship.
MCELROY
It’s not that, sir -- I mean ... the radiation.
DRAKE
Relax, Lieutenant -- Uncle Sam tells us we have nothing to worry about from so-called nuclear radiation.
MCELROY
But, sir --
Drake puts a hand on McElroy’s shoulder.
DRAKE
McElroy. I’ve told you. Our researchers say there is no danger from the radiation. Now, you don’t think our government would lie to us? Do you?
McElroy is horrified.
MCELROY
No, sir! I mean -- gosh, NO!
DRAKE
Good man. Load missile tubes.
MCELROY
Yes, sir.
(he flips switches)
Missiles loaded, sir. Torpedo one ready.
DRAKE
Then FIRE ONE!
McElroy throws a lever. SWOOSH!
MCELROY
Torpedo one away. Closing in on target.
A COLOSSAL EXPLOSION!
MCELROY
No damage, sir -- that ship’s still coming.
DRAKE
Incredible! All right, ready torpedo two --
MCELROY
No time now, sir -- the ship’s starting to dock with us --
A metal CLANG as the two ships make contact. Drake and McElroy look around as if they could see through the hull ...
MCELROY
Creepy feeling -- knowing some weirdo thing from another planet is forcing its way into our ship!
Drake reaches behind the main console and brings out a formidable-looking weapon.
DRAKE
Don't worry, Lieutenant. I brought this in case of just such an emergency. It’s a laser ray pistol.
MCELROY
A what, sir? A razor?
DRAKE
Laser, Lieutenant -- L.A.S.E.R. -- it's an acronym. The letters stand for "Light Amplification by Stimulated Emission of Radiation." In other words, super-charged light waves are converted into a coherent energy beam with tremendous power.
MCELROY
Golly!
Something SCRAPES at the airlock. Drake levels the gun at the hatch --
MCELROY
That thing’s gotten through the airlock -- it’s right outside that hatch!
DRAKE
I’m ready for it.
They crouch in the ship’s prow.
MCELROY
Whadya think it’ll be like, Cap’n? A monster with sixteen eyes and four pairs of slimy tentacles?
DRAKE
Possibly. Or it might be a giant blob of pure energy.
The hatch suddenly slides open to reveal VEENA -- a lovely human-seeming female. She wears a 1950s cocktail dress, high heels, a silver tiara, and an elaborate bracelet. She studies the two men silently, impassively.
MCELROY
Holy smokes -- it’s not a monster, Cap’n -- it’s a -- a dame! A female, sir, a woman.
DRAKE
(almost emotional for once)
A woman from the Planet Zero ...
Veena approaches Drake -- McElroy hurls himself in between them, shielding Drake.
MCELROY
Don’t let her touch you, Cap’n -- for all we know, she’s carrying a plague from outer space!
DRAKE
She won’t hurt us. I think she knows this laser pistol would burn a six-inch hole right through her.
VEENA
And I know it would be very unwise to fire such a weapon while inside a pressurized spacecraft.
MCELROY
Hey -- she can talk!